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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26043169">Yin and Yang</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphyre20/pseuds/sapphyre20'>sapphyre20</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Law &amp; Order: SVU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Inspired by Law &amp; Order: SVU, Rollisi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 09:01:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,820</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26043169</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphyre20/pseuds/sapphyre20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Still reeling from Carisi's recent rejection, Rollins must come to terms with her feelings for the ADA when he's unexpectedly injured on the job.</p><p>Trigger warnings: Language, mild descriptions of violence</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>75</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Push and Pull</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What?” Amanda pressed the receiver harder into her ear, fingers gripping the black phone in her hand as if it were a life raft.</p><p>The strain in her voice must have been enough to alert Kat that something was wrong, as the brunette rookie had looked up from her paperwork to fix Amanda with a confused look.</p><p>“Where? Okay.” Amanda slammed down the phone and haphazardly jumped up from her desk, her chair zipping out from under her on its rickety wheels.</p><p>“I..we…Cari- Sonny he’s hurt.” The blonde detective managed to get out, a mix of emotions flashing across her usually controlled face.</p><p>The commotion caused by Amanda’s outburst and her chair crashing into the desk behind hers brought Olivia to her office door. “What’s going on?”</p><p>Amanda was too busy frantically throwing keys, phone, wallet into her purse and shoving her sleeves into the arms of her navy blazer to respond to her captain. Kat, who had risen from her desk by now, still gripping a pen in one hand, was the one to respond, “Something happened to Counselor Carisi.”</p><p>Already halfway to the elevator bank, Amanda called over her shoulder, hand clenched tightly around her cell phone, “A suspect stabbed him. Fin’s with him at Mercy now.” The elevator, perfectly timed for once in her life, opened just as she reached the sliding bronze doors and she bounded in, pushing and holding down the bolded “L” like her life depended on it. Like his life depended on it.</p><hr/><p>During her cab drive to Mercy General Hospital, Amanda couldn’t help but think back to her last interaction with Sonny. It had been almost two months ago – had it really been that long? – shortly after he turned drinks down with her when she’d surfaced in his office after another strained day of Sir Toby’s case. Hurt from the perceived rejection, she’d returned to making snarky comments about his new gig.</p><p>This last one, she knew, had been particularly hurtful. The two of them had had multiple conversations about Carisi’s insecurities about not measuring up to his friends and mentors, ADAs Peter Stone and Rafael Barba. She knew it got under his skin. So why, why did she feel the need when he was confiding in her about another bump in the road on the way to putting Sir Toby away as they were exiting the precinct, did she feel the need to slip in a petty, “Carisi, what did you expect? Just get it done, for God’s sake. Do you think Stone or Barba would let the Defense get away with these sorts of things?”</p><p>She shouldn’t have said it. She didn’t want to say it. It felt like an out-of-body experience, with one half of her internally cautioning, ‘Don’t say this. Why are you saying this?’ while the other, fueled by the pain of his recent lack of interest, drove her to say the hurtful words.</p><p>Instead of yelling back, engaging in the way she’d hoped he would, he simply frowned, slowed to a halt at the bottom of the precinct steps. The two of them paused on the sidewalk, seeing his face illuminated in the dim streetlights Amanda could immediately see that she’d hurt him. Over the years, she’d become intimately familiar with the changes of his face. As his partner, she’d come to register his facial expressions so well, and he hers, that they could wordlessly communicate with a cursory glance at one another. Etched across his face now was unmistakably pain and disappointment that she would cross that line, when she knew. She should have known better.</p><p>But oh, how she’d wanted to hurt him since that day in his office. She felt so stupid, putting herself out there like that. To him, after everything they’d been through. So instead of retracting the comment, offering an apology, she stubbornly set her jaw, eyes flashing steely blue as they met his.</p><p>He’d been carrying her jacket, since the June evening was unseasonably warm. He extended the jacket to her and as she reclaimed it, Sonny said a soft, “Tell Jesse and Billie goodnight for me,” and turned on his heel in the direction of the subway, despite their plans to swing by her apartment first to tuck the two girls in for the night. They’d been asking for him.</p><p>And instead of going after him to make nice, Amanda rolled her eyes, the sting of rejection still burning in her recent memory, and she turned in the opposite direction to return home to her girls alone.</p><p>Little did she know at that time, trudging home through the humid summer air, that the next time she’d see or talk to Sonny Carisi would be at Mercy General Hospital, nearly two months later. </p><p>--</p><p>“I’m here to see Detec- ADA Dominick Carisi. I’m his emergency contact.” Amanda’s grip was still tight on her cell phone, her current lifeline to news of her former partner. The bleary-eyed nurse looked up at the disheveled detective and motioned her to a row of pale blue hospital curtains to her left. “Bed number four.”</p><p>Before the nurse could get the last syllable out, Amanda was rushing down the corridor of dingy linoleum tile, a floor she and Carisi had paced countless times while they were waiting to interview a survivor, a floor she knew Carisi had paced when she herself had been brought into the hospital for complications with her pregnancies. She didn’t like being on the other side.]</p><p>And she’s pushed through the curtain, past a stoic as ever Fin, eyes locking on her ADA, her friend, her other half. Unconscious, pale. Not her Sonny. It couldn’t be, he looked so fragile, so void of his usual vitality and earnestness. God, why did he have to be so earnest. So patient with her and her girls.</p><p>Her thoughts were interrupted by a friendly hand on her elbow, the familiar voice of Fin breaking through her reverie, “Amanda, doc says he’s gonna be okay. Took a pretty nasty stab wound to the gut, but luckily we got him here with plenty of time for the doctors to fix him up before he could lose too much blood. They’ve got him hooked up to some pretty powerful painkillers, said he might be out for a while – it’s a nasty cut. He was lucky, a few more minutes and it could’ve been bad, he must have someone lookin’ out for him up there.”</p><p>Amanda knew Fin was trying to help, but her heart still beating hard in her chest and her breathing still shallow, she whirled around and stuck an accusatory finger into his chest, “YOU. You were supposed to be looking out for him. What the fuck happened? He’s a civilian now. You’re supposed to protect him, how could you let this happen?”</p><p>Fin put both of his hands up in surrender, Amanda got the sense that he’d been expecting this, because his demeanor stayed exactly the same, “Hey, we had no reason to know the suspect was armed. It was a routine interview; the guy didn’t have any priors.” He patted Amanda on the back of the arm again, “Alright, I need to empty the tank and fill Liv in on what happened. You’re on Carisi watch.”</p><p>Amanda pulled a faded green chair up to Sonny’s bedside, reflexively taking his hand gingerly in her own. She was relieved to be met with the familiar sensation of his warm hand – the few times he’d held her hands in his own, she’d always been struck by how warm they were compared to her own. But that was how it was with them, he was the yin and she was the yang. Where she was cold or negative, he was warm and positive. He helped to pull her out of the depths of the dark places she sometimes found herself sinking into and she helped to bring him back down to earth when he was being too idealistic.</p><p>Tracing a figure eight softly on his hand over and over again, in a gesture of comfort she’d developed in recent months while helping Jesse fall asleep after nightmares, Amanda felt herself exhale for the first time in nearly an hour. As the full weight of everything she’d almost lost hit her, she folded her head towards the empty space on his mattress next to their intertwined hands. The nubby hospital sheet was rough against her forehead, but she felt better here, the top of her head nestled against the man she loved.</p><p>She’d known she’d loved him for a while now. Longer than she’d like to admit to herself. Looking back, it seemed inevitable that she would fall in love with him, which was maybe why she hated him so much at the beginning. Why he managed to get under her skin with the smallest of comments or gestures. Sonny represented so much of what she’d been before the trauma of her adolescence – lightness, hope, generosity, vulnerability. And for so long she hated him for it. But heart still racing against her chest, she realized now so clearly the weight of her feelings for him. She wanted him, needed him, this missing half of hers. So easy to take for granted when he’d been right next to her, but suddenly so crucial after he was nearly taken from her.</p><p>“’Manda?” The familiar voice sounded groggy and gruff, but it was unmistakably his. Amanda quickly straightened to survey the face of the patient, moving to pull her hand away, but stopping when his warm fingers closed tighter around her own. She was surprised to see his eyes were still closed, but both of them had developed an uncanny ability to sense when the other person was close. She blamed years of covering each other’s sixes in more pursuits, hostage negotiations, and interrogations than she could count.</p><p>Amanda cleared her throat, managing to get out a soft, “Sonny.” His nickname felt foreign but familiar on her lips. Why didn’t she call him that more?</p><p>His eyes flickered open and he chuckled slightly, wincing when it clearly caused him pain to do so. “I like it with you call me Dominick. What happened to that?”</p><p>He seemed lucid but was clearly still hazy from the painkillers his doctor had pumped into him. The longer he remained conscious, the more he began making sense of his bearings. His free hand floated to pat his abdomen gingerly, the pain it caused him evident in the appearance of creases across his brow. Next, he reached up to his head to run his fingers through his hair, unsettling his already tousled dirty blonde hair.</p><p>Suddenly a goofy grin broke out across his face, he turned his full attention back to Amanda whose hand was still firmly clutching his own, while she simultaneously studied his every move.</p><p>“I got stabbed! Never been stabbed before.” He reached across his torso to pat Amanda’s hand comfortingly. The declaration was made so excitedly, like it was something he’d been waiting for for years, she surprised herself by hiccupping a laugh. Amanda realized she’d been crying. So like Sonny – Dominick – to try to brighten her mood at a time like this.</p><p>Before she could wipe her tears away, he was there. She knew it had to hurt, but he’d sat up and was gingerly wiping her tears away with the soft pad of his thumb. The feeling of his fingers on her skin sent goosebumps down her arms and stirred up some of the desire she’d successfully suppressed for this man. Despite their location, his circumstances, the warmth blossoming from his touch made her crave more. She wanted him, now. As if being with him would heal her frayed nerves from the shock of the possibility that he would be gone from her forever.</p><p>All her tears squared away, he took one side of her face in his hand firmly, fingers sliding through her hair and thumb resting lightly below her lips. “’Manda, I missed you. I –”</p><p>But before he could finish his sentence or Amanda could respond, they were interrupted by the screech of metal on metal as the hospital curtain was whisked open violently, causing the two of them to untangle. In zoomed a tiny woman with dark hair who zoomed to the other side of his hospital bed and flung her arms around Carisi’s neck. “Sonny!” She almost yelled in a lightly accented voice – maybe Australian? Amanda wasn’t sure.</p><p>“Melanie, hey it’s okay, I'm alright.”</p><p>Amanda leaned back in her chair as she saw this woman, Melanie (who the hell was Melanie? She’d never heard Carisi talk about a Melanie before), catch Carisi’s lips with her own before exclaiming, “Thank GOD. I was so worried. I’m so glad Hadid called me. Are you okay? What happened? Did they catch whoever did this?”</p><p>Suddenly, Amanda was gripped by the same anxiety that she’d felt from getting that initial phone call from Fin until about five minutes ago. The tightness in her chest intensified as Carisi turned to Amanda and mumbled, speech pattern slightly slurred, “’Manda, this is my girlfriend Mel.”</p><p>Girlfriend. Mel.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Heads or Tails</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><span class="u"><strong>CHAPTER 2</strong></span>: Heads or Tails</p><p>Amanda stared distractedly at the framed picture of her and Jesse on her desk. It showed the two of them beaming at the camera while nestled together under the shade of a colorfully decorated carousel. Carisi had taken it on his new camera a few years back, proud to show off his latest gadget. Jesse had just been born and Amanda was so scared of every change in that little baby's face and mood. No one had told her how frightening those first few months would be, honestly that whole first year was terrifying. One of her saving graces had been having Carisi at her side.</p><p>She wasn't sure exactly when it happened, but during that first year after Jesse was born she started seeing Carisi differently. At some point he'd stopped being the annoying rookie she took under her wing, to a partner on whom she relied for more than support on the job. He'd become a staple at family dinners, weekend outings with baby Jesse, and after work happy hours. It was during this time that she'd started collecting different observations about him that at the time seemed innocuous – how hard he tried to make everyone around him feel comfortable and at ease, how he seemed to collect random trivia that he trotted out at the perfect moment, how despite his generally consistent demeanor he got frustrated by what to her seemed like the most inane things. However, it wasn't until recently, through his increasingly frequent absence and her continued conversations with Dr. Hanover, that she'd begun to realize how much she'd come to rely on their stable presence in her life, how much she missed them.</p><p>"Amanda!" Fin's voice saying her name interrupted her reverie. She looked up to see Fin standing at his desk. By the tone of his voice, she could tell he'd been trying to get her attention.</p><p>"Yeah, hey I zoned out. What's up?" Amanda exhaled – why had she been holding her breath? Glancing at the clock she could see it was already 10 minutes past 6.</p><p>"I'm heading out. You still good to bring food by Carisi's place?" He remained stoic while asking the question, but Amanda knew her old partner well enough to sense that he was sizing her up to gauge her reaction. She hadn't seen Carisi since that day in the hospital three weeks ago, when she'd left without much of an explanation after the surprise of 'Mel.' Fin had raised an eyebrow at her the next morning at the precinct, but so far she'd been successful in avoiding a conversation about it.</p><p>So instead of admitting that she'd forgotten it was her turn to check in on their former teammate, she nodded, stuffing the miscellany on her desk into her bag, "Yep. All good. 'Night."</p><p>Fin smirked slightly and shook his head, before turning for the elevators. Guess he was still pretty good at reading her reactions. By the time he'd reached the hall, Amanda already had a list of Chinese restaurants up on her phone near Carisi's apartment.</p><hr/><p>Knocking on his door, pork and shrimp shumai in hand, Amanda unexpectedly felt nervous. In the silence that followed rapping her knuckles on the faded blue of his apartment door, it struck her as odd that after years of working together – over half a decade – she'd never been to his apartment. But then, she realized there were many sides of Carisi she'd never spent time trying to get to know. Before she could get too far down this train of thought, she heard movement behind the door and suddenly there he was.</p><p>Although he was a bit worse for wear, he was still unmistakably their Sonny. Wearing navy sweatpants and a matching Fordham Law branded t-shirt with the long sleeves rolled up, he looked younger. If she didn't know him, she'd think he was a law student pulling an all-nighter. But she did know him, and she knew him well enough to notice the dark circles under his eyes, the slight hunch to his posture, the forced grin as signs that his injury was wearing him out.</p><p>Amanda forced a grin through the nerves and a bit more energetically than she'd intended said, "Room service! Dim sum courtesy of the squad," while lifting and rustling the white plastic bag clutched in her hand. He laughed and waved her in, "Let's hope your takeout ordering is better than your cooking."</p><p>While making her way into a narrow hallway, she can't help but shoot a look at him over her shoulder. Eyes narrowed slightly, head tilted downward, it was a look she usually threw his way when they used to banter in the precinct's bull pen or on the way to follow a lead. It was an expression she used with him sparingly, strategically, because she knew he loved it when she looked at him like this.</p><p>He shook his head at her, still grinning, and immediately assumed the role of tour guide, shepherding her into his kitchen where they began to unpack their dinner. Between popping the lids of various Chinese dumplings, Amanda swept her eyes over the surrounding apartment. They were standing in his kitchen which was surprisingly well-equipped for a single – well, not single anymore she reminded herself – man. It was small, but bright and tidy, all clean lines and gleaming appliances. The countertop was lined with glass cannisters housing different types of pastas and grains, judging from how low some of them were running she could tell this kitchen wasn't so clean because it was rarely used, but because its owner loved to cook and took pride in that. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted proudly displayed on the fridge some of the artwork Jesse and most recently Billie had made for him. So far so good, no sign of the new woman in her former partner's life.</p><p>"Haven't heard from you in a while." Carisi was the first to break the silence, the statement hanging in the air, part question, part accusation.</p><p>Running her hand over the back of her neck, she sidestepped as well as she could, "It's been busy, the girls and work. How you feelin'?"</p><p>Before answering, he gestured with a slight nod that they should move into the cozy living area overlooked by the kitchen. Dim in the waning summer sun, it was equipped with a light oak dining table and, further into the room, a couple of couches. As she followed him into the space, Amanda was relieved when he bypassed the more formal seating option of the dining table for the couches.</p><p>"Well, they've been keepin' me pretty doped up. I'm pretty lucky all things considered – with where he got me I should be much worse off, I – mmph," Carisi stopped short, grimacing in pain. Amanda swiftly set her takeout on a low glass coffee table and took the plate out of Carisi's hand to do the same.</p><p>"Hey – you alright?" Amanda was by his side in an instant, hand fluttering to lightly rest on his back, a look of concern across her face.</p><p>He exhaled sharply, "Yeah, sitting down is when I get the worst of it. I'm fine, I'm fine." Nonetheless, Amanda helped guide him to a comfortable sitting position before settling into the opposite side of the couch. She studied him closely and Carisi waved a hand in her direction, "Really, 'Manda, I'm fine. Let's dig in."</p><p>The two of them ate in comfortable silence at first, giving Amanda a chance to study this physical extension of Sonny Carisi. The couch they sat on faced a coffee table and a matching navy couch running parallel to the one they sat on. Behind that, the kaleidoscope of New York City at dusk was visible through a wide window – an apartment building across the street with a random pattern of lights on and off, muted oranges and yellows glimmering of the glass of the building, more reds and yellows refracting up from the cars and streetlamps lining the street below. The setting sun also flashed light off a gallery wall of pictures and framed memorabilia hanging on the wall to the right of the apartment. To the left of them was a slightly ajar door leading to what must be his bedroom, signaled by the dim shape of a bed she could make out through the gap. A thought flashes across her mind that if they'd played their cards differently this could have been the room they were spending her first visit in.</p><p>Amanda's attention returned to the man sitting next to her. Even though it was her first time in Carisi's apartment, she felt immediately at ease sitting next to him, lulled into a sense of familiarity and comfort by his proximity. They were sitting close enough that she could smell his faint cologne and it brought her back to long days and nights spent at the precinct, with him leaning over her desk to get a closer look at something on her screen or huddled together under an umbrella while investigating another lead in a case.</p><p>Amanda was the first one to talk this time, "Carisi, your apartment's great. I was thinkin' on the way over here that it's strange I've never been here."</p><p>Carisi looked around the apartment, chopsticks positioned expertly in his right hand, "Yeah, it's not too bad. With how busy the office has been, I haven't had a chance to spend much time in it. I'm starting to go a bit stir crazy bein' under house arrest like this." Amanda laughed and he pointed at a wall opposite from them with his chopsticks, "Ma and Bella helped decorate. We put up some pictures a few months ago, there's a great one of you and the girls."</p><p>Amanda looked in the direction he'd pointed at the wall housing a collection of different pictures all printed in black and white. Wanting to get a closer look, she set her plate down on the table again and walked over. She studied the pictures closely, looking for answers to the unasked questions about his past. In one picture a 6- or 7-year-old Carisi beamed over the top of a striped bass he was proudly displaying for the camera, an older man who shared Carisi's blue-green eyes and shaggy, dark blonde hair grinned down at him, large hand settled protectively on his shoulder. His father must have been close to Carisi's age now in this picture, Amanda thinks, struck by the strong resemblance between the two. He doesn't talk too much about his dad, but then again she rarely asked.</p><p>Moving on, Amanda's gaze stopped on a picture of what must be a teenage Carisi with his arms flung loosely around the shoulders of two other teenage boys. All three of them grinned mischievously into the camera and were all sporting impressively '90s outfits and haircuts. Another shot showed Carisi surrounded by the squad at his going away party, in the picture he hugged Amanda tight to his side with one arm, a beer raised celebratorily by the other.</p><p>However, the picture that most caught her eye was one of her, Carisi, and the girls that she'd never seen before. Had she seen it before? She couldn't remember. It showed the four of them at a Halloween petting zoo they'd attended together the year prior. Jesse sat on top of Uncle Sonny's shoulders, one of her hands lifted in a wave, a delighted smile on her face – she was all smiles and giggles whenever she was with her partner in crime. Billie was strapped to his chest in her carrier, he'd offered to carry her when he'd noticed Amanda growing tired. Most striking to her were her and Sonny's expressions, Amanda was smiling straight ahead into the camera, clueless that her companion was grinning softly down at her. They looked like a family – a happy, happy family. Amanda reached her hand out to rest lightly on the image.</p><p>"That's one of my favorites." Carisi's voice came from somewhere close to her left. She looked up and realized at some point he'd joined her in front of the pictures. Amanda was suddenly struck by a powerful desire to run her hands over the soft blue cotton of his Fordham Law shirt, feeling the muscles lying just beneath. She didn't want to just look at him anymore, she wanted to experience the sensation of her hands on him and his on her. She assumed that at some point he'd felt this way towards her and not for the first time did she curse them for not getting the timing right.</p><p>But instead of closing the distance between them, she looked up into his face, the most direct eye contact she'd made with him since arriving in his apartment. With a sense of urgency she said, "Dominick, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things about your case. I was – there's no excuse, I'm just sorry."</p><p>Carisi studied her face briefly and then turned back towards the pictures, his expression blank as he said, "You weren't wrong. It's not like you told me anything I hadn't already told myself." The two of them stood there momentarily silent, Amanda looking up at him and him looking away.</p><p>Amanda is half surprised when she hears herself ask softly, "Why didn't you tell me about…that you were dating?"</p><p>He hesitated slightly before turning to meet her gaze. Momentarily, his face betrayed deep sadness and resignation. Carisi seemed to be debating how honest he wanted to be. "Why didn't you ask me? You've gotta admit that our communication hasn't been the greatest lately, almost every conversation we'd had in the last few months have started or ended with a hurtful remark about my new gig. It's not fair Amanda. This job is something I've wanted for a long time, that I've worked hard for. It should have, I thought we –" at this he trailed off, casting his eyes downward towards the floor, "I don't know what I thought. I just didn't think it would be like this. I don't like feelin' like you're not in my corner."</p><p>She reflexively reached up to rest her hand on his arm and squeezed comfortingly, "Dominick, I'm in your corner. I am. It's just…it's just been hard for me is all. Losin' my partner." Standing there, her hand on his bicep, only a few inches between them, she again craved to close the distance between them. Her mind flashed back to another summer night, years ago, when the two of them had lingered outside of her room in a West Virginia motel. At the time she'd been so scared of repeating past mistakes, of spoiling the foundation of trust the two had built together. But now, here in his apartment 20 stories in the air in New York City, she wanted nothing more than to be enveloped by him, to run her fingers through his hair, to hear him whisper her name.</p><p>Was she crazy, or did he feel it too? Instead of moving away, Carisi had moved ever so imperceptibly closer to her, seeming to be drawn by her touch, the feeling of her eyes on his. Their bodies seemed to emanate heat into the surrounding apartment. But just as she thought he might lean in, he grinned goofily and held out his hand, "Okay. Truce?"</p><p>She couldn't help but laugh and met his hand with hers, "Truce."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: This may take more than 3 chapters as previously planned...stay tuned and please please let me know what you think :)</p><p>Also woot woot - new eps on November 12! Sad to hear Stabler won't be in the first ep of the SVU opener anymore, but relieved that we now have a solid date to look forward to!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Endings and Beginnings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong><span class="u">CHAPTER 3</span>: Endings and Beginnings</strong>
</p><p>A couple weeks after Amanda and Sonny’s ceasefire, Amanda sat in the bright mid-afternoon sunshine of Dr. Hanover’s new office. Shortly after the ordeal with Bucci, she started seeing Dr. Hanover over her lunch break in the therapists’ new office. Amanda hadn’t been able to resume her regular after work time slot, preferring instead to get back to her daughters as soon as she could after wrapping up her day at the precinct.</p><p>In addition to the change of their session’s time and location, Amanda sensed a near imperceptible shift in her therapist’s affect during their sessions. Whereas in the past, Dr. Hanover opened her door and gestured her in with a relaxed smile, now Amanda spotted a tightness in that smile. Dr. Hanover also locked the door during these new sessions, an action that both of them recognized would likely prove ineffective at keeping a determined aggressor out, but nonetheless served to make both women feel more secure.</p><p>Dr. Hanover’s new office was light and airy, muted pinks and browns and greys adorned the space surrounding the overstuffed leather armchairs the two women sat across from each other in. Aside from some of the books that lined the bookshelves suspended behind Dr. Hanover’s chair, Amanda recognized few holdovers from her old office. Both were eager to move on from that night.</p><p>Yet over the past few weeks, Amanda recounted some of the realizations from that night with her therapist and began to build a vision of a new life for her and her girls. One where she didn’t continue to allow the traumas of her past to stoke her on, but one where she faced those hard truths and forged a new way. While the incident with Bucci instilled in her a fear of sudden movements, a gnawing need to hug her girls once, twice, three times before bed, it also cracked her open enough to the process of moving forward.</p><p>Amanda found it easier to be honest with herself and her therapist about her feelings for Carisi, the frustration and profound sadness she felt as she increasingly saw and heard less of him as Mel became an ever more regular presence in his life. Today, the current of the conversation again shifted in that direction, as Amanda nursed anxieties about attending a post-work happy hour with the squad and Carisi in honor of his birthday. His new girlfriend was sure to be in attendance.</p><p>“It’s just…I’m fine with it. I just don’t want to see it.” Amanda continued, gaze locked on her hands that clenched and unclenched in her lap. She felt Dr. Hanover’s gaze on her face and lifted her eyes to see the therapist studying her closely.</p><p>“Amanda, are you fine with it?” The question hung in the air and Amanda knew that the two of them would sit there in silence until she answered it. Of course she wasn’t <em>fine</em>, she experienced a tumble of emotions about the situation that changed from day to day. Her emotional pendulum swang from red hot anger – at herself, at Carisi, at her parents, at everyone – to what could only be described as deeply felt grief and regret. Instead of shutting out the uncomfortable feelings as she was wont to do in situations like these, she’d been careful to sit with them. The only way out was through, Gamblers Anonymous had taught her that.</p><p>Amanda shrugged, “I’m not fine. It sucks – I can’t help but feel like if I’d been more open earlier on in our partnership things would have turned out differently. I hate that I didn’t see what was right in front of me. But I’m trying not to dwell on it. I have so many other amazing things in my life, my girls, my friends, my job, that I don’t see the sense in letting this one unhappiness ruin all of the other good things.”</p><p>Dr. Hanover nodded, one side of her lips raised up in a smile at her client’s positive reframing of the situation. “That’s great, Amanda. I’m proud of you for thinking of it in a positive light. And remember: Everything happens when it’s supposed to happen. No sooner and no later.” She paused, glanced at her watch and added, “Speaking of timing – looks like we’ll have to pick this up next week. Remember to burn that confessional letter tonight, I think it will be good for you.”</p><p>Amanda smiled, waving the folded letter at her therapist in a flourish of goodbye as she gathered her things. She’d read it to her therapist earlier in session – putting words to the conversation she couldn’t bring herself to have with Carisi. Not quite yet, but maybe one day, hopefully soon.</p><p>As Amanda shut Dr. Hanover’s door behind her she heard the most imperceptible click of a lock sliding into place. She shook her head, blonde hair shimmering in the soft sunlight overhead. Even in the brightness of the mid-afternoon sun, Amanda could still feel the threat of that night all those months ago. Sometimes she forgot that she wasn’t the only one living with the consequences. Sending good vibes Dr. Hanover’s way, Amanda stepped down into the street, disappearing into the dark mass of New Yorkers bustling to and from their lunch breaks.</p><hr/><p>After a resigned glance up at the faded green on the Nanny O’Brien’s pub sign and a deep sign, Amanda opened the door to walk into her former partner’s birthday celebration. She’d had time to relieve Sienna and greet the night sitter, managing to slip into dark jeans and a sheer black high neck top she hadn’t had a chance to wear yet. Walking through the dimly lit pub, she noticed a couple of heads turn to assess her, meaning her outfit change had its intended effect.</p><p>Her confidence fizzled as she locked eyes on her destination – the squad huddled around a couple of tables near the back of the pub. Olivia, Fin, and Kat all had their eyes locked rapturously on Carisi and Mel as they relayed what appeared to be a hilarious story to her colleagues. She felt a sharp pinch of envy as she saw the familiar laugh lines of Sonny etched across his head as he inclined his gaze towards his girlfriend who was animatedly taking the storytelling lead. He wore his dark navy suit, slightly crumpled from the day’s work, with a matching navy polka dot tie loosely hanging from his neck. His arm was resting lightly across the shoulders of his girlfriend, who was dressed in jeans and what looked like…a patterned button down of bird silhouettes. This was going to be a long night.</p><p>Amanda arrived within earshot of the group just as Mel appeared to deliver the punchline of the story, “And that’s when Nicky turned to me and said ‘That’s just the way-fer it is!”</p><p>The group collectively burst out into genuine laughter and it took everything in Amanda’s power not to roll her eyes. At that moment, Fin caught her eye and waved her over into the group with a friendly, “Well, look what the cat dragged in. Let’s get you a bourbon.” He squeezed her arm reassuringly and rather than getting annoyed at what she would typically consider ‘coddling,’ she found it comforting that her first partner on the squad still had her back. Fin had been one of the first people she’d opened up to – the two of them had an instant ease and rapport. Unlike other guys she’d worked with on the squad, she knew that Fin genuinely had her back without any darker ulterior motives.</p><p>While he chatted up Scotty the barman for her drink, Amanda turned back to the group and said her hellos, giving Carisi a quick hug and a murmured ‘Happy Birthday’ in his ear. Not wanting to give anyone the wrong idea she pulled back from the hug quickly, but not without accidentally breathing him in and feeling the rough skin of his cheek rub against hers. It took everything in her power to pull away from his embrace to turn to this new woman, still relatively unknown to her, in greeting.</p><p>Just as Amanda opened her mouth to say hello, Mel beat her to it by wrapping her arms tightly around Amanda. To do so, she had to stand on her tiptoes, which in spite of herself Amanda found immediately endearing. “Oh, Amanda! I’m so glad you could make it.” Mel pulled away to hold Amanda at an arm’s length, her large dark eyes scanning Amanda’s face with what seemed like genuine joy, “I didn’t get a chance to say this this other week, but thank you <em>so </em>much for taking care of Nicky after his accident. He’s so lucky to have so many people looking out for him.” On this last word she squeezed Amanda’s arms.</p><p>It was then that Amanda realized that the small woman had maneuvered her to stand right next to her in the circle, instead of the space she’d been hoping to inhabit between Fin and Liv. Amanda laughed, “Maybe one of these days he’ll look after his own behind for once,” earning her the desired eyeroll from her former partner and a giggle from Mel who seemed determined to be Amanda’s new best friend. This hunch was confirmed in the next moment by Mel herself who gazed earnestly up at Amanda, “I really hope the two of us can be friends. Sonny’s told me so many stories about you and your daughters and I’d like it if we could get to know each other better.”</p><p>Fin had never had better timing as he delivered Amanda’s bourbon to her. After taking a sip and feeling the dark brown liquid warm her from the inside out, she was surprised to hear herself genuinely say, “I’d like that too.”</p><hr/><p>Nearly an hour later, Amanda knew more about Mel Andrews than she’d ever thought she would and hated to admit that she couldn’t help but like her. Mel had moved with her single father and brother from Melbourne to New York when she was 14 after their father received a life-changing offer to lead an archival research team at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Their mother had passed away when Mel was too young to remember, but based on her older brother Jeremy’s recollections she heard her mother loved meeting new people, crying while reading poetry, and sneaking herself and her son sweets behind the back of her health nut of a husband.</p><p>The absence of their mother didn’t seem to have that strong of an effect on Mel, whose only memories of her were from family stories and grainy home videos. Jeremy, on the other hand, had a much harder go of it and ended up in and out of rehab for near on two decades of substance abuse and addictive behavior. Since their father was generally hard to reach and wrapped up in his work at the museum, Mel often found herself coordinating her brother’s care and visiting him as he was shuttled to and from new rehabilitative facilities. It was experiencing her brother’s struggle firsthand that had inspired her to pursue a Master of Social Work at Fordham University.</p><p>One night while pulling her hair out in the Fordham library, she needed a break and wandered over to the building’s shop where one Dominick Carisi was the only person ahead of her in line. In true Carisi fashion, he was chatting with the barista behind the counter for a good ten minutes – tired from studying and visiting her brother earlier in the day she’d butted in with a ‘not so polite’ rejoinder about ‘what in the world it took to get a coffee around here.’ After a sheepish apology and introduction, the two had an extensive conversation themselves on account of the two of them both being blessed with the gift of gab. The two of them actually had a startling number of things in common, so Mel was surprised that when they exchanged numbers and said goodbye that she didn’t hear from the aspiring ADA. Imagine her surprise when he reached out nearly two years later to ask her out to dinner.</p><p>Amanda wasn’t sure if it was the two glasses of bourbon she’d drank or the openness with which Mel shared her life, but she soon found herself telling her about herself too. They covered her early life in Georgia, transferring to New York, and her daughters by two different fathers. Amanda even touched on her own struggled with addiction, something that she rarely talked to those closest to her about.</p><p>Overwhelmed by how much she found herself <em>liking </em>this woman who she’d been so determined to dislike, Amanda excused herself to go to the ladies room. But instead of going to the bathroom, she sidestepped to the door leading to the pub’s alley for a breath of fresh air. The cool night air washed over her and she was relieved to see she had the pub’s small alley to herself. Amanda leaned against the rough brick of the building, exhaling as she did so.</p><p>What a long couple of months. Everything seemed to be moving so fast – Carisi leaving the squad, training a new detective, dealing with her sister’s latest drama, being taken hostage from one of the places she felt most safe…it felt like it was all zipping by her without any time for her to process. And it was <em>hard</em> spending less time Carisi and seeing him with someone else. She knew it wasn’t fair for her to hold it against him that he’d found someone that made him happy, but she felt abandoned. Not only had he been a big help with the girls, but she realized now how important those nights spent on the couch or weekends spent at the park were to her. It wasn’t like they talked to each other about their feelings often, far from it. But over the years the two of them had become attuned to one another, they could each tell when the other was frustrated, needed something. He always struck the right moment – a joke here, a reassuring squeeze of her hand there, and every now and then one of his signature pep talks. She liked to think she did the same thing for him, in her own way.</p><p>Deep in her reverie, she jumped slightly when she heard the door next to her creak open, bringing with it a warm glow and the cacophony of a busy bar. As the door closed, Amanda saw that Olivia had joined her in the alley, “Hey Liv.”</p><p>“Just the person I was looking for. What are you doing out here? It’s getting cold.” Olivia walked over and leaned against the wall next to Amanda. It was funny how life worked – back when she joined the squad she never would have thought that Olivia would become one of the most important people in her life. And that they’d be hanging out in the alley of Nanny O’Briens all these years later, both of them now mothers.</p><p>“Just taking a break. I like the cold, makes me feel like I can do anything.” Amanda smiled sadly, looking down at the dirty ground underfoot. The two of them stood there like that for a couple minutes. It was Olivia who broke the silence and Amanda was surprised to hear her say, “Amanda, I know this is hard for you. Seeing Carisi like this. I’ve been there before. And I’m really proud of you for how you’ve handled tonight. I know it means a lot to Carisi that you came and that you’re getting to know Mel.”</p><p>Olivia paused and Amanda could feel her eyes studying her, knew that after decades on the job she knew what to look for – the telltale downturned lip, the slightest flutter of an eyelid, but Amanda didn’t move, hardly breathed. She knew if she let her emotions out her, in this alley, she would be opening the floodgates. Ever since Bucci, that’s how it had been happening, fast and furious and unexpectedly. Olivia continued, giving her arm a light squeeze, “I’m here if you ever need to talk, okay?”</p><p>This time, Amanda looked over at her boss, her friend, and nodded, “I know Liv, thanks.” Olivia gave her arm another reassuring squeeze and inhaled the crisp, fall air, “Alright, now there are there are ten hungry people in there who can’t get any cake because they think you’re having a bathroom emergency and Carisi won’t let them sing ‘happy birthday,’ without you there.” She opened the door and held it open for Amanda, returning the warm den of the bar to illuminate their small corner of the alley.</p><p>Amanda laughed under her breath and shook her head, typical Carisi. With one last glance upwards at the thin sliver of sky barely visible through the crevice of the two buildings, she took a step forward to sing ‘happy birthday’ to her former partner.</p><p>After eating cake, poking fun at Kat under the watchful eye of Fin who never liked anyone to have too hard a time, and listening to another round of stories from Mel (which Amanda had to admit <em>were</em> charming), Amanda pulled out her phone to check the time. Seeing <em>11:15 </em>flash across the screen, in combination with the slight buzz she had from the rounds of drinks Fin and Carisi kept buying them all, reminded her it was time to go home.</p><p>She said her goodbyes to those in her immediate vicinity and looked around for the birthday boy. They hadn’t had a chance to chat all night, which never would have happened last year. Hell, last year she and Carisi had been the ones to close the bar at his birthday celebration with the squad. They’d stayed up late into the night swapping stories and jokes. They’d stumbled back to Amanda’s apartment after Carisi had insisted he walk her home. The two of them exchanged hushed whispers and laughs in the hall and it took a few minutes before Amanda could locate the right key to let them both in. Exhausted from the late night, Carisi had crashed on her couch. This had become an increasingly common thing in the Rollins household over the years – the girls always loved up to a sleepy Carisi. The next morning when they walked into work together, Carisi in the same clothes from the night before, Fin gave them a knowing look and a slow shake of the head that told Amanda all she needed to know about how it <em>looked</em>.</p><p>When she finally spotted him, Amanda noticed he was in deep conversation with his boss, Bureau Chief Hadid. She considered interrupting them and started to make her way over, before thinking better of it and turning on her heel to walk in the direction of the bar’s exit.</p><p>Back in the cool night air, Amanda pulled on her jacket and with a few taps on her smartphone had ordered a ride service home: <em>‘7 minutes away’ </em> the screen flashed. Frustrated, she shoved the phone into her pocket and hugged herself tight. Emotions flooded her brain – sadness, guilt, jealousy, happiness, loneliness, all collided and materialized as a dull ache in the pit of her stomach as she processed the nights events. It was nights like these that weighed on her, made her think about how much easier her life might have been if she’d made different decisions.</p><p>The sound of Nanny O’Brien’s door opening behind her made her take a few steps forward to make room for the exiting patrons. Remembering her conversation with Dr. Hanover earlier in the day, Amanda inhaled deeply and let out a slow exhale, stilling her tumbling emotions slightly. As she was about to take another deep breath, a hand touched her arm lightly and she tensed up again, ready for a fight. But the familiar voice saying, “Hey,” told her that everything was going to be okay.</p><p>Amanda turned around and there he was, Carisi in his wrinkled dress shirt, drunk smile plastered across his face. Amanda couldn’t help but smile back and reached her hand up to pat his, “Hi Carisi.” She scrutinized his face, as had become her habit after years of studying and interrogating other people. From the sloppy grin to the laugh lines around his face, it didn’t take a trained detective to know she was looking at a very happy Carisi. Amanda knew him well enough to know that it wasn’t just the several glasses of beer that were to thank either; if she had to guess, the Australian woman chatting with their coworkers at the bar likely played a large part in his newfound happiness.</p><p>Drawing his hand back, Carisi suddenly frowned and feigned annoyance, arms crossing to mirror her stance, “Are you really tellin’ me that my partner is pullin’ an Irish exit at <em>my </em>birthday?”</p><p>‘<em>I’m </em>not your partner anymore,’ Amanda wanted to say, but thought better of it, opting instead for a shrug and coy smile. “Hey, I know better than to interrupt two lawyers when they’re talking in a dark corner.”</p><p>They both laughed, the intermingled condensation from their exhalations clouding up the space between them. Carisi met her gaze and locked her blue eyes with his. For a split second, Amanda felt an unspoken magnetic pull drawing them together. Did he feel it too? She couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but it felt like he wanted to say something.</p><p>Amanda didn’t have time to find out because a soft ping and the crunch of an approaching car alerted them both to her ride share arriving and caused them to both swiftly break eye contact. After quickly glancing to confirm the ride was hers, Amanda turned back to Carisi turning up one side of her mouth.</p><p>“Well, that’s my cue.” Leaning in for a hug, Carisi closed his arms around her, resting his right hand on the back of her neck protectively. Amanda let herself breathe in his smell, felt the warmth of his chest against her cheek. The tranquility she felt in this moment spurs on a pang in her stomach. This could’ve been hers – these could have been the last sensations she felt before falling asleep every night. The two of them drew apart and Amanda forced a smile, “Happy birthday Dominick.”</p><p>Carisi shot his goofy grin back at her, one more drink and she knew he’d be lost to the world. Amanda stepped toward the black sedan and was just ducking her head to get in the back seat when she remembered the present she had picked out and the girls had wrapped for their favorite ‘uncle.’ She offered a quick apology to the driver and asked him to idle for one more minute.</p><p>Turning back to Carisi, she said “Hey, almost forgot,” and fished a small package out of her bag, bulkily wrapped in hot pink wrapping adorned with crayon markings and stick on googly eyes and an envelope containing a card signed by her and the girls. Jessie was going through a pink phase. Carisi laughed at the sight of it, face lit up by a broad smile as he gingerly took the present from her gloved hands.</p><p>Crooking one eyebrow he slurred, “Let me guess – Jessie chose the wrapping? Billie’s to thank for the crayon?” Amanda loved how much he loved her girls and knew that the joy spreading across his face was genuine.</p><p>“Only the best for Uncle Sonny.” Amanda gave a quick salute and ducked into the back of her ride. It took everything in her power not to turn around and watch the receding figure of the man she loved disappearing into the night.</p><p> </p><p>A few deep breaths later, Amanda felt her heart rate slowing. She leaned her head lightly against the chilly glass of the car window and watched the world speed by. Cloaked by the darkness of the night, no one noticed as a single tear escaped and rolled down her cheek, coming to a rest on the car’s arm rest.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Longest chapter I've written in my fan fiction career so far! Felt good to wrap this one up - October shaped up to be a crazier month than I'd been expecting. My goal is to wrap up this story before the SVU SEASON PREMIERE November 12 so I can ride this Rollisi energy into season 22.</p><p>Speaking of big Rollisi energy, check out two of my favorite fellow Rollisi stans - </p><p>Nika001: Rollisi Bingo Challenge - https://archiveofourown.org/works/27224698</p><p>Berytni: If the World was Ending - https://archiveofourown.org/works/26821783/chapters/65435806</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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